It's been long since I've written something here again.
Anyway I'm proud of myself for getting through the hard times ALONE.
I've never really told anyone how and what I felt.
Maybe I did hint everyone about it, but they just couldn't get my hint.
Or maybe they wouldn't even care.
See, I didn't even bother about telling anyone that I've blogged.
Because I believe if they truly care about me, they would look into my blog somehow, someday.
I also believe someday in the future there would be someone who would love me like how I love my ex-girlfriend so much.
As the saying goes, "What goes around, comes around.".
Hence, I gave so much to someone, someone else will give me what I had lost too.
So, I wouldn't remove this blog link on my Twitter, hoping the "she" from the future would read it to understand more about me and my past.
Since I've had this depression or whatever mental/emotional/psychological illness this was, I really did change so much that even I couldn't believe that this is the "me" now.
In the past, I was more easy going and happy-go-lucky.
But now? Maybe I'm more particular about saving my "face", and I really care more about ego and pride.
Having to lose a loved one despite the amount of effort and sacrifices I put in, I'm beginning to feel that the problem lies in me.
After giving so much love to someone, yet being taken for granted, I think the problem is that I was being a too nice person.
Even some friends and classmates are being annoying too.
Ever since then, I'm into this word "RESPECT".
I won't let anyone push and kick me around, even if you're just playing with me.
I may seem easy going and friendly, but don't ever try fucking around with me, because I'm not as simple as I may look.
Anyway, enough of angst words.
Thanks to my "dark period", I'm now more appreciative of everything around me.
I became a more independent person too.
Trust me, even if no one wants to eat lunch with me, I would still go into the food court to eat alone, despite the many weird stares I get from the public.
I've also learnt how to deal with things better too.
I think my EQ really increases tremendously after this episode of depression.
I've learnt that health is wealth too.
Because in depression, everything comes in a package.
I experienced countless migraine attacks(I used to had lesser of it), IBS(Always had to go to the toilet because my digestive system is fucked up due to the amount of stress I had to deal with), Social Anxiety, extreme fatigue(Especially in the day), giddiness, anger issues(You will feel everything is against you), hopelessness, lack of motivation, forgetfulness, mental blurriness, etc.
I admit, I was supposed to see a psychiatrist, I even had a referral letter, because the doctor couldn't find any cause of my physical illnesses.
I went to the psychiatric clinic alone, but ended up I couldn't pluck out my courage to see the psychiatrist.
Ended up I went loitering around the area and treated myself some western food(I remembered this part vividly).
It was only after one year that I dare to admit, only in this blog.
After experiencing all these downs in life, I can really feel what people are really feeling.
I used to only understand when people tell me that they are sad or depressed.
But now, I can even feel it.
Even when listening music, I used to say this certain song is nice because of the chorus or whatever shit.
But now, I can feel the music, like I can totally feel this deep hidden sadness the composer and singer is trying to portray.
Sometimes, when the music is too intense, like it's really portraying something really sad, it really hits right deep in my emotions, i admit I would teared.
Maybe it's partly because I'm learning music and I'm used to analysing musics so much.
And hey, it really helps learning music better, because after all, music is an art, which is the study of expressing emotions through a certain medium.
I'm not trying to be emotional or what, but sad songs give me this kind of images.
Anyway, got to go.
Bye! (:
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